DATING COMMANDMENTS

After many bad relationships and far too much wasted time, I decided that in order to alleviate some of the problems that I was facing in my quest for love, I needed to be clear about my expectations. Take me or leave me. These are my commandments:

1. My body is my temple—don’t violate me—I don't do love triangles—really, I share few things in life...a penis is not one.

2. “Are you involve with anyone?” encompasses being married, having sex, or partaking in any kind of intimacy with another person, i.e. kissing, fondling, oral sex, making promises, in my book, constitutes being involved. Just ask the other party—most I’m sure would agree with me.

3. I don’t take prisoners—if at any time you want to leave, go. I want you only if you want to be here.

4. If I tell you I want to leave you, take it like a man—tell me to hit the road.

5. In public you must treat me like a lady. In private, I’m your whore—it’s the only time I will give up control.

6. Keep sex interesting—be creative—I don’t have a problem swinging from the chandelier, going shopping for a vibrator, watching porn or dressing up like Xena, Warrior Princess.

7. Who do you want me to be?

8. Make me laugh—tell me I’m beautiful—treat me like a princess sometimes.

9. I throw tantrums—deal with it.

10. You have an obligation to take care of yourself for me. If you get fat and sloppy and won’t do anything about it, I will leave you.

11. I have commitment issues. Make sure I’m really into you before you ask me to marry you so you won’t be embarrassed when I say no.

12. I’ll be your rock and your shield--I want you to be the best that you can be. How can I help you attain your dreams? 13. You don’t have to rich—but ambition is a requirement.

14. You must be intelligent—I like a man who has something to say.

15. You must be of strong character—if you’re weak—I’ll walk all over you.

16. Don’t lie to me—If you do I will know—and I will leave you.

17. At some point I may challenge you to a sword fight.

18. I am a mother—if you don’t like or want kids that’s okay, but there’s no place in my life for you.

19. Don’t talk on the phone when you’re on a date with me unless it’s absolutely necessary.

20. Hold my hand when we’re crossing the street—I'm a hopeful romantic. That little show of affection will melt my heart.

21. Don’t flirt with other women when you’re with me—it’s disrespectful.

22. I know who I am—I don’t need you to define me.

23. You can hurt me but you cannot destroy me—that’s why I’m not afraid to love and give my all to you.

24. I don't bring past baggage to a new relationship—I am a new woman for you. The same is required of you. Please leave your shit at the door. 25. If you’re breaking up with me—you can tell me—I won’t flip-out, stalk, harass, or try to kill you—really, I’ll just find someone else.

26. Brush your teeth.

27. I've never had a wasteful relationship. I always leave with something—a thrilling sexual experience or a new insight.

29. Show me you care or I'll think you don't.

30. I don't care if you have tattoos.

31. Depression diminishes me—I don't do it.

32. I don’t feed negativity—

33. When I'm upset I shop Victoria Secret and listen to Nina Simone.

34. I promise to keep you guessing, and thinking…

35. Now, how can I be of service to you?